Meanwhile, in the best-selling The Mother And Her Child , two doctors recommend you “handle the babe as little as possible.” If it( and they are definitely an “it” here) weeps, you are able to let it happen. After all, crying is “absolutely essential to the development of good strong lungs.” You want your kids to have good strong lungs, don’t you? Well, let ’em weep … But not so much that they begin to choke and explode the blood vessels in their face, in which suit you are able to spank them for having the dishonor to nearly die in the middle of a life lesson.
And to make sure they don’t go soft after they’ve hollered themselves strong, you should also never, ever hug small children, and simply kiss them once a day( maximum) before bedtime. Remember, mothers, an emotionally dead child is an obedient child, so greet them in the morning with a firm and hearty handshake to let them know you respect and care for them in the same style you would an out-of-town business associate you haven’t seen in four years.
Better Healthcare Through Getting Kids Wasted
So you’ve tried everything. You tried binding their legs, ignoring their weeps, even thumping them senseless, but none of that stellar parenting has done the trick. You’re still coming home to a sickly, unruly child who imagines of you as a malicious stranger out to ruin “peoples lives” — but not in a good way. Well, have you tried pumping them full of opium?
If your kid was carry before World War I, the answer was “Yes, ” whether you knew it or not . font>
During the 1800 s, drugging your children was the most socially responsible thing a mother could do. According to doctors, it cured every newborn ailment, from fever to night terrors to full-scale tuberculosis. Opium was the most popular medication for the young and age-old alike, because it couldn’t be bad taking something that constructed you feel sooooo good. Medicine such as Stickney and Poor’s Pure Paregoric( a cold syrup) contained 46 percentage booze and “one and three-sixteenth grains of opium to each liquid ounce” — a ratio you wouldn’t think to find outside of an Afghan warlord’s bathroom cabinet. And in case mothers were a little bit worried about, y’know, pumping their little ones with so much slap they’d start overdosing like they were in Trainspotting , the bottles came equipped with a handy-dandy chart listing the “correct” dose for everyone from adults all the way down to five-day-olds.
“If you see yourself crawling over the ceiling toward a Scottish smackhead, reduce your dosage.”
But what if your kids were the fussy forms who didn’t like the bitter savor of uncut opium? Well, you could also buy opium cough drops flavored with the refreshing savor of cherry. Of course, having six-month-olds chase the dragon induced some mild addiction problems, but parents who are cool with pumping their children full of class A narcotics are typically not mothers who bother knowing discrepancies between overly fussy babes and children presenting hardcore signs of withdrawal.
Not that opium was the only style mothers used to let children live it up like they were on tour with Guns N’ Roses. During the gin furor of the mid-1 700 s, English mothers let their offspring get sloshed on up to half a pint of cheap gin every day, we guess because they favor the music of loud ocean shanties over hollering. Of course, these were the days of child labor as well, so maybe it’s more a lawsuit of seven-year-olds, fresh from a switching down in the mines, stopping at their local for a quick pint before they had to get back to the ol’ mama and chain.
Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook. He also has a newsletter about depressing history, but that’s merely for the coolest kids . i>
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